It had an Interesting Bouquet -

It had an Interesting Bouquet

Quintessential Quinciensis VIII
By Bishop Keith L. Ackerman, SSC

I am now at a point where I am afraid to give anyone my email address – especially businesses! Almost no matter where one goes or what one does there is a survey. Soon I am certain that we will receive a survey asking us to rate the surveys.I have witnessed, along with others, the shift from Liturgies that were (and are in many places still!) directed towards God, and now are directed towards the people. Do they like the music? Do they like the sermons? Part of the dilemma with this consumer style of Christianity is that Clergy all too often assume that the feedback is essential, to such an extent that they are willing to adjust centuries old forms in order to satisfy the “audience.” Any day now I expect a priest to conclude the Mass with “You’ve been a really great audience. Thanks!”

One morning I wondered what it would be like if churches adopted the survey mode, and on Monday emailed to all of their “customers” questions that were related to their “worship experience.”

A Survey from COOL DIP (Church of our Lord of the Diocese of the Inner Peninsula)

We wish to thank you for attending our Worship Service/ Mass/ Eucharist/ Lord’s Supper/ Agape (please select the least offensive term) yesterday. Although we have no interest in contacting you in person, we are certain that you will appreciate our interest in quality control and customer service. Please answer each question. We will randomly select our “worshipper of the month” from the completed surveys. Please type in the Code below to begin. Only a select few have this code.

G N O S T I C

Please rate with (1) being “Did not meet my expectations” to (5) being “I was affirmed.”

1. Were there an adequate number of parking spots reserved for “Our Special Guests?”

2. Were you greeted appropriately by our diversity greeting committee and escorted to the door without inappropriate touching?

3. Were you immediately greeted at our “WE LOVE VISITORS” center in a way that made you comfortable?

4. Were you told how important your presence was to us?

5. Did you find the pews to be comfortable?

6. Were you offended by the offering plate?

7. Did the people around you chastely greet you at the “Kiss of Peace” and did they give you their email address, tweet information, and other critical bits of information?

8. When you were escorted to the Altar/ Communion Table/Fellowship Table (pick the least offensive term) did you select the grape juice line or the wine line?

9. If you selected the wine line, did you find our selection of Altar/Communion/Fellowship wine (pick the least offensive term) to have an interesting bouquet?

10. Was the sermon sufficiently short enough to allow you to do your text messages on our campus-wide WiFi?

11. Were you able to see the Liturgy/Holy Communion/Mass/Eucharist/Lord’s Supper/Worship Service on our Large Screens and was the definition sharp enough?

12. Were you escorted appropriately to the “The Meal after the Meal” location at the Parish Hall/Fellowship Hall/ Undercroft/ Parish House/ Billy Bob and Betty Boop Memorial Hall?

13. Did you find a sufficient amount of vegan and gluten-free dishes at the Brunch/ Fellowship Meal/ Coffee Hour?

Now that you have completed this survey, we wish to thank you.

You are number *****. Please note that we are a partner with “FOWHNC” (Fellowship of what’s happening now Churches) and your answers, while totally confidential, will be added to their visitor’s account.

Thank you for visiting us, and on behalf of GtF, JC, and the HS – we welcome you.

Quintessential Quinciensis VIII
By Bishop Keith L. Ackerman, SSCI am now at a point where I am afraid to give anyone my email address – especially businesses! Almost no matter where one goes or what one does there is a survey. Soon I am certain that we will receive a survey asking us to rate the surveys.

I have witnessed, along with others, the shift from Liturgies that were (and are in many places still!) directed towards God, and now are directed towards the people. Do they like the music? Do they like the sermons? Part of the dilemma with this consumer style of Christianity is that Clergy all too often assume that the feedback is essential, to such an extent that they are willing to adjust centuries old forms in order to satisfy the “audience.” Any day now I expect a priest to conclude the Mass with “You’ve been a really great audience. Thanks!”